Young Jeezy = Smrat Man

A new VBS Meets went up recently. Rapper extraordinaire Young Jeezy is its subject matter. Its actually hilarious. But not intentionally hilarious. More like minstrel show hilarious. Jeezy’s body language is akin to that time during exams when you knew the answer to maybe a whole 2 questions.

Jeezy loves edumacation.

$29.05

Sure, Toronto averted a transit strike that would have inconvenienced roughly 1.5 million people.  But now, City of Toronto tax payers have been awarded an agreement that sees transit workers being paid $29.05 per hour (the highest of all GTA transit employees).

Great!  For a minute there, I was worried that spiking gas prices were starting to feel lonely up there.  Be assured that along with jacked wages will come jacked fares.  At least now, we’ll have the comfort and luxury of choice:  Do I want to be ass raped at the pumps or sodomized at the ticket booth?

The writing is on the wall people.  Buy a bike.

How Self-Aggrandizing Can You Be?

Last night while surfing the boob tube, I chanced upon this ad for wecansolveit.org which seems to be a feel-good NPO meant to satisfy the righteous content of people’s insipid lives.  Anyhoo, the spot they ran was rather daft and in all honesty, the most shovelled shit you could pack in 15 seconds. Listen, I’m all for saving the earth and being a good human being, but that can be accomplished by recycling and saying “hi”. Pandering to the masses by creating a spot full of revisionist history is just plain gay. I get. In an era full of rhetoric, we’ll need as much Obama-ism to motivate middle-America. But saying you didn’t wait to get involved in WWII, and effecting civil change is a bit arrogant not to mention inaccurate.

Click the pic to see the video.

Toronto Is Not a Food City

Calling Toronto the mecca for foodies is horseshit. Melting pot of cultural culinary delight? More like crock pot of culinary mediocrity. Toronto is striving to be what New York is and is miserably failing at it. Japanese restaurants owned by Chinese; pizza parlors owned by Lebanese; poutine made with grated mozzarella. We’re like a cess-pool for bastardize food done half assed.

Yes! No!

Poutine

Cheese curds + fresh cut fries + chicken gravy. Not shredded mozzarella. Not battered fries. Not beef gravy. What is so hard about this dish that Torontonians can’t comprehend?

Yes! No!

Smoked Meat Sandwiches

A smoked meat sandwich should be about 9lb of smoked warm pastrami layered between two pieces of rye bread. Maybe with some mustard on it. And that’s it. Do not garnish with any vegetation and do not try to make it all “artisan” by toasting it or whoring it in a panini grill.

Japanese Food should be done by Japanese

Sorry Chinaman Charlie, but you have to take your hands out of the Nippon pot. Like everything business related, you constantly cut corners in hopes of saving money and as a result, the end product is a hair shy of being complete shite. This is the polar opposite of the Japanese ethos, of which OCD is not only celebrated, it’s encouraged. Their anal retentiveness is why their food is so good. Do you honestly think a sketchy, greedy Chinaman could have even dreamt up sushi let alone make it?

Yes! No!

Pulled Pork Sandwiches

Torontonians are simply too hoity toity to get this dish dialed in. The thought of using the cheapest cut of pork, smoking it for hours whilst getting drunk on bad beer, then slathering a gallon of bbq sauce over it and serving it on the cheapest white bun you can find at your local Giant Tiger is light years beyond Torontonian comprehension.

Yes! NO!!!

Mexican

Lets get one thing straight: Burrito’s are not Mexican. They are a white guy’s take on what Mexican should be like. They are what chicken balls are to Chinese food. Stop bragging about the best burritos in the city because that’s like bragging about what the best brand of canned meat is.

I’m An Insensitive Prick

Call a spade a spade – I am an asshole. But walk in my shoes for a minute and you’ll understand why.

Because of the cachet and stature that my employer has carved out over the past 13 years, we get a lot of requests by fresh-out-of-schoolers, wanna-be-hipsters and ambitious-take-over-the-worlders wanting to either work or intern for us. While this is music to any employers ears, its also painfully grating for us guys on the front lines…especially me…who has to deal with the intern’s ineptitude.

I have patience like Canada has Mexicans and while I’ve been trying desperately to work on being a bit more tolerable, lets just say Canada hasn’t exactly been working on opening the borders to Mexicans. That said, I’m in a position where I have no choice but to co-exist with the Mexi…err interns and needless to say, they haven’t made my life easier. In any case, whenever you guys see or talk to me after 6pm and I’m grumpy, here are the reasons why.

Common Logic – Interns lack all forms of common sense or logic. If counter intuitiveness could manifest itself into human form it would be an intern. More specifically our interns. There’s been numerous times where my colleagues and I stare at each other in puzzled confusion, amazed at the lack of common sense our helpers posses. Our best example was one shinning star who decided it was better to borrow the company-rented van without permission to fetch coffee instead of walking the 3 blocks. He then got stopped for speeding and refused to pay the ticket. Sure, a lot of these “kids” need their hand held from time to time, but I assure you, drag these horsies to water and I’d bet the farm they’d piss in it.

Basic Human Experience – Extending on Common Logic, I think many interns are devoid of any basic experiences that your average human being encounters on a day to day basis. And I’m not talking about setting up equity, or filing taxes. I’m talking about the simple things in life like…ummm…mailing a letter. Some of my favourites are:

Organizing Magazines Chronologically – I’ve had a few interns draw blank expression when asked to complete this task. This usually means either they have no idea what the word chronological means or they are more familiar with the Wicken calendar (the Roman calendar really throws them for a loop).

Making Phones Work – “This phone’s not working.” “What’s wrong with it?” “There’s no tone thingy.” “No dial tone? Hmmm. Check to see if its plugged in properly.” “Ok. How do I do that?”

Mailing Items – I had an intern who couldn’t figure out how to mail things. We have one of those pre-paid post machines that will stamp your mail. Of course, like any machine designed to make life easier, it gives you options: regular mail or registered mail. To an intern, this means nothing. The word registered is enough to throw them right off their fucking axis causing their minds to spin uncontrollably. Said intern took an entire 30 minutes wrestling with these two options before she said to me “Nick, I can’t mail this. It just keeps asking me to register with them or something.” “Do you mean it asks you to send registered mail?” “I dunno. It just says register.” Keep in mind it says Regular Mail and Registered Mail…in bold….and enumerated….with separate buttons. I then asked her if she’s never heard of registered mail. She flashed me a look like I was asking her to explain how a circular particle accelerator works and blurted out a “No. Of course not.”

Propriety – Because our brand was built on hedonism, partying and good ol’ fun, a lot of interns presume the company is run by a bunch of fuck-ups with monkeys at typewriters (well it kind of is). A lot of them will try to get away with as much inappropriateness that’s un-becoming to even a crack whore. They’ll also try to conduct themselves in situations that don’t even warrant that behaviour (ie: trying to have a coke party…in the office…at 3pm…on a Wednesday.) Some of the best social faux pas so far: Intern asks to be ass-raped at staff Christmas party in the bathroom; Intern asks to be railed on sink in said bathroom at staff Christmas party; Intern boasts to corporate client that we do drugs and drink all the time; Intern declares to coworkers in drunken stupor, that she wants to be touched and felt all over; Intern leaves for 3hr lunch; Intern asks to stay home because they are too hung over but still wants to be given a credit.

Lack of Initiative – Our interns will very rarely ever rise to the occasion. We’ve had a couple that were standout, and subsequently went on to be full-time employees or do really well for themselves with another employer. But for every one franchise player, we’ve had maybe ten pine-riders. We’re pretty much the Miami Heat of the work world with the occasional D-Wade’s and Shawn Marion’s. Then the rest of the roster is filled out with Smush Parker’s.

Ten Reasons Why You Should Ride The TTC

1. Variety. The TTC offers probably one of North American’s most dynamic operating schedules. While other transit commissions and associations run on very strict and rigid schedules – often never swaying from their outlined times – the TTC takes a far more liberal approach. Why stick to such an in-flexible and constrictive time-line when you can mix it up? Every 10 minutes? Boring. Lets do every 30 seconds until the 4th streetcar, then every 20 minutes, then every 5 minutes then every 30 minutes then stream 6 cars one after another so it looks like a TTC parade. Again…variety. Some would call this ‘inconsistency’ and to them I say hogwash.

2. Relaxing Pace. In such go-go-go city like Toronto, it’s nice to know that the TTC offers a calm and laid-back commute for its riders. There’s nothing I enjoy more than a casual 2 km, 60 minute ride on the Queen car. Contrastingly, there’s nothing I hate more than leaving the house (Queen and Roncesvalles) at 8am to be at the office (Queen and Dunn) at 815. The idea of it frays my nerves. Like the TTC, I fully believe that a 1km commute should take no less than 1hr. This is why I applaud the TTC for implementing a “take your time” approach to travel. Those long, but much sought after 60 minutes allows me the time to contemplate all that is wonderful about our fair city and marvel at our state of the art transit system. Besides, it’s always fun to stare out the window and see which pedestrians you can race.

3. CAMH. I don’t know about you, but I’ve always wanted to roam the halls of CAMH. Part of it out of curiousity, part of it out of spectacle. Its like going to the zoo to see Ling Ling the birthing panda or hoping to see zoo-keepers feed a fawn to the lions. Well much to my pleasure, the zoo – in this case CAMH – has come to us! Thanks to the wonderful insight of the Harris government, the CAMH locals now ride the TTC 24/7 fully interacting with drivers and passengers alike. Up close and personal! It’s like African Lion Safari!

4. Traffic. Like you, I hate cars. They are a cancer to this planet and our way of living. As a result, I’ve taken a pro-active stance against automobiles by supporting the TTC and their highly successful anti-car weapon: the streetcar. If God was an urban planner, he couldn’t have fleshed out a better strategy. Clog the dense and much traveled city streets with as many streetcars as possible, plop them in the middle of the road, and prevent motorists from passing and overtaking them at all times. This subsequently forces automobiles to stay behind these giant city snails, backing up traffic for blocks and causing gridlock at any given point during the day. This either irritates drivers to the point where they’ll stop driving or completely snap and run someone over which will ultimately land them in jail…..which will ultimately reduce the amount of drivers on the road. Which is ultimately genius.

5. Intimacy. The TTC has a penchant for getting intimate and interactive (sorry MUCH). When’s the last time you took transit where the streetcar or bus was a cavernous tin can? EXACTLY! I’m a social being and I like being close to people. So close that not only can I smell the curry on Harjit’s breath, but I can see the fucking cardomom seeds stuck in his teeth. The TTC my friends, is the glue holding our social fabric together.

6. Price Point. Cities around North America are dropping their fares like flies. $2 for the New York Metro? Fuck that. The TTC boasts an impressive rate of $2.75 and climbing. And we don’t even cover a third of the area that MTA covers. Now that’s efficiency. Fuck, we’re like gold bullion of transit; we’re the crude oil of mass transportation. If public trans was streetwear, we’d be goddamn Supreme.

7. Drivers that care. Admittedly, this is something the TTC has to work on. Roughly half of the caring work force goes out of their way to inform you about local traffic laws (like jaywalking to catch the bus) or to give you a brief synopsis on the economics of clearly showing your metro/day pass. The other non-caring half (I like to refer to them as the Dog Fucker ilk) simply let you on the streetcar/bus, without piping up a single word. They’ll maybe glance you a smile but you’ll be hard pressed to find one that will initiate conversation about proper transfer usage. I say the latter lot needs to be dragged out and shot in the street. Goddamit, I’m paying for my ride and I demand that I have the Rider’s Rights and all its subsections read to me.

8. Simple Subway System. Three lines, that’s all you need. I could care less about reaching the far corners of the city or navigating the downtown core by train. Anymore than three lines, and your map just looks like clutter. Have you seen New York, London or even Tokyo’s subway map? Take it easy design faux pas. It looks like Etcha-sketch had a case of the oops-poops and shat out its intestines. Yeah, yeah, so what you can go from Hoyt-Skimmerhorn t0 Spring Street then up to 125th and then over to Corona on one fair. Your subway map still looks like shit.

9. Excitement. Without fail, riding the TTC ensures that you’ll either be a part of or witness some form of confrontation. Again, this is exactly like point 3 but instead of the zoo, now we’ve got the Diesel Playhouse front and center. And I’m all for it. Talk about added value. All that’s needed to perk up your day is a CAMH local blurting out the N word during rush hour around Eastern Commerce and suddenly, that $2.75 was worth every red cent.

10. Aroma. There’s a certain scent that’s unique to TTC streetcars. It’s somewhere between urine mixed with body odor mixed with gear grease. And while many may consider this smell more putrid than comforting, there’s something quite telling about having a consistent smell affixed to an object made out of metal and plastic. This ranks right up there with new car smell and gasoline. Its a distinct aroma that conjures up vivid memories and colorful images of pixies playing with gleeful children.

Two Bit Toronto

It’s true. I’ll admit it. Leafs fans are as stupid as they look.

After all the recent rumors about Toronto trading Mats, I can’t but help think that Torontonians (or to be specific, Leaf fans) are as sharp as a baseball bat. Don’t get me wrong though, I’d rather be a native Torontonian than a lazy Montrealer, an idealistic Vancouverite, or a boring Ottawanian. In spite of having losers for sports teams, we are still the only Canadian city that can well…support sports teams. I digress.

The point of this rant is that the Leafs aren’t going to trade Sundin. Just like they aren’t going to win the cup and just like they are going to turn a generous profit each year. Sundin is here to stay. He’s pretty much the poster child for profit in the eyes of the MLSE and in case you missed the memo , MLSE cares more about concession stand costs than they do about having a winning club.

It’s as sure as death and taxes that Sundin is here to stay. But I guess this is why the Leafs are where they are. Because the city is rid with delusional half wit fans that continue to support an ownership that has no intention of winning.

You morons. Its you to blame for the Leafs situation. Not the GM’s and not the players (its not their fault they suck. its ownerships fault that they hired them). Why droves and droves of people continue to support them for 4 decades without getting a winning team in return is beyond me. Its been 41 years since they’ve won a cup, 9 years since they’ve won the division and yet you still flock to the ACC like mindless little lemmings. But then again, it would take a mindless lemming to consistently suscribe to Leafs TV year in and year out in hopes to see a winning season. It would take a mindless lemming to shell out $119 million each year to a losing team. It would take a mindless lemming to blame the current woes on John Ferguson Jr and not look at ownership. It would take a mindless lemming to daftly think that the Leafs could trade Sundin to Ottawa for 3 of their most key players.

I guess that’s what it takes to be a Leafs fan: a mindless lemming that loves to dream of the fantastic.

Bob McCowan said it best “Leaf fans are either incredibly loyal or terribly stupid.”

You dipshits. Wake up and smell the coffee. Your making my city look bad.

I’m A Racist

 

I’m sorry, but this recent incident has tickled my racist bone beyond belief.

To preface this rant, recently a white British middle aged lady – who for the record looks like she enjoys Coronation Street over a cup of tea – teaching kids in Sudan was sent to prison for well, letting her students name a teddy bear “Mohammad”.  And while I understand that such action would spur crazed reactions of Islamic zealots I can’t help but think “are you fucking kidding me?”.

These people view this woman as a threat?  Really? What’s she going to do?  Destroy the Muslim fabric with tea and fucking crumpets?

For argument sake, I’ll pretend to understand the crassness and uncouthness of such a blasphemous action.  But putting her in prison for it?  And then demanding she is lashed?  And then asking for her execution?  No wonder half of the Western world wants to carpet bomb you people.  You truly are fucked in the head.

Way to go Sudan.  Way to bite the hand that’s helping you.  Have fun with your rice-laden-pot-bellied-AIDS-infected zombies and oil pillaged land.  Tell us how that works out.

Guhhhhhhhhhh

This guy pretty much sums up my work day:

The Bullshit Post

I’m calling bullshit on a lot of things. Why? Simply because it has to be said. I’m fully aware it will rub people the wrong way and that any call out will definitely crush a lot of toes, bruise many egos and scorch bridges beyond repair. Friendships will be lost yet new ones will be forged. And in spite of all the awkward leers from naysayers and words of encouragement from supporters, I can’t but help to stir the pot. Calling shit out, let me tell you, is a fucking leap of faith. Its like wanting to take a dump for hours and holding it in, then deciding at the very precise moment to loosen your bowls and let the shit flow. As AZ said, “its Doe or Die nigga”.

Surly Messengers

I’ve given this category much thought and rightfully so. I have a handful of friends that are messengers and while I’m known for taking the piss out of everyone, I still don’t want to make my friends weep. So I deliberated for a very long time before ripping into this sub-culture. I realized that I don’t have issues with messengers in general. Sure, you guys are strange fruit, but for the most part you are good, hard working people. There comes a point however, where your hard work and goodness go sour. Your sanity slips and you transform from weird, eccentric cyclist, to old, jaded crust-fuck that starts spitting on people. Please, for the love of humanity, if you find yourself becoming the least bit grumpy, get off the bike, put down the Crumpler and start a job at a coffee shop!

PS: if you try spitting on me at a light, be prepared to have your balls put into a tourniquet made out of a track chain.

T-shirts

Lets get it out in the open right now: If you are nearing 30 or older, elaborate designed t-shirts should not comprise more that 4.6% of your wardrobe. Large, bright and unapologetic loud designs are for children with color recognition and attention problems. Stop trying to be a 10 year old who’s really into Lego. Own up to the fact that you are an adult that has responsibilities and celebrate it with a collared shirt, an iron and having enough testosterone in your body to sustain the growth of two things called “balls”.

Coffee

I love coffee. I love having good coffee. I will even pay $15 to have great coffee. But I’ll be totally honest with you: I will still drink shit coffee and be completely content with it. I had a friend analogize coffee with fine wine. I’d rather compare it with meat: doesn’t matter if its a pigs ass or Berkshire pork shoulder, I’ll still eat the thing and finish it off with a wide grin.

Cats

Remember when everyone in their 20’s with tattoo’s who loved listening to Tegan and Sarah decided that having pet cats was en vogue? Remember when these same tattoo’d-emo-music-loving-twenty-somethings talked to their cats like Berkowitz talked to Harvey?

Vittoria Rubino’s

What garbage. These tires wear through like they were made of latex condoms. In fact I’m very sure latex condoms hold up better after prolonged friction than these pieces of shit.

Global Warming

The earth is fine. Stop freaking out like a paranoid Jewish mother. We got a good 50 years left on this baby and we’ve soaked it for 4.5 billion years. Its essentially the Toyota Corolla of planets. Stop being greedy already. Sheesh.

Vegans/Vegetarians

Somewhere between man figuring out how to walk upright and inventing the printing press, we figured out that eating meat was paramount to survival. Once we were able to digest (zing!) the whole survival thing, we realized that meat was also delicious. Then somewhere between the printing press and inventing the iPhone some new age hippy decided that animals had feelings and slaughtering them for food would be like killing a baby for bratwurst. I personally don’t buy it. We’ve been eating meat for too long to stop now. It would be like running a marathon only to drop out at the 30KM mark.

And while difficultarians will probably live a longer and healthier life than us carnivores, be warned, that the day you stop eating meat, is the day you become the world’s most boring human being. Its a pretty big burden to carry don’t ya think?

Streetwear

Have you guys seen the new Followers x Insecurity x Immaturity x Need-To-Be-Cool x Bright Colors x Skate Boarding Shoes x Track Bikes x Buying Your-Way-Into-Something x Talking-Shit-Because-You-Have-A-Small-Penis Collaboration?

Humans

What a waste of a rib, breath and dust. Way to go God.